dreams...

Well, throughout these past almost 10 months I've had a handful of dreams depicting my dad. I remember them mostly being more close to his end. In the beginning they were always violent dreams - him and I fighting in them, always a battle.

The other night I had an actual good dream about him - I mean, the dream itself wasn't all that great, it left me feeling somewhat unsettled. But his appearance was different. In this dream (mind you, dreams are so hard to explain in words) I parked my car in a parking lot. When I went to leave, my car was not there, but there was a tractor trailer parked in its place. Tractor trailers were supposed to park in a different area in the big parking lot, but this tractor trailer was where I had left my car. In my dream I understood it to be that I was supposed to drive the tractor trailer. So I pulled out of the parking lot, got a few blocks down the road and realized it didn't feel right. Then I turned around and took the tractor trailer back to the parking lot and there was an angry, gruff looking man, the owner of the tractor trailer. That's when dad appeared. Next thing I know I'm on the side of the road across the street, able to see what's going on, and my I could see my dad trying to calm the man down. Then dad's in front of me, but down below like the parking lot was not at street level. And I looked at him, gave him a thumbs up, then added the 2 thumbs up. I mouthed Thank You. And just as the words "I love you" were coming out of my mouth, he vanished. He didn't get to hear me say it.

Just as I was typing out the dream sequence, I realized the tractor trailer reference and wondered if it was supposed to correlate to how my dad died. I don't really know what to think of it, the entire thing. But I think this dream will stay with me always.