December Update

Well, last week was the 1 year anniversary. Earlier this month when I flipped my calendar to December I noticed the small RIP I put on the block for December 11th. I knew it was totally morbid when I did it in the beginning of the year, but I knew I didn't want to forget what date it was. In the beginning, I could never remember. I didn't want that to happen. So I put it on the calendar. Anyway, so when I flipped my calendar to December and saw it there, my chest tightened and I had a brief moment of... I don't even know what of, but it was really uncomfortable. But I didn't realize that day when I felt my chest constrict for a brief moment, that that would be the worst I would feel in the upcoming weeks.

Therapy is going well. I switched therapists. There's something about a woman understanding the feelings that women have. I needed to have a different experience in therapy so I switched from my male therapist to a woman. She's a bit peculiar (in fact I'm starting to think all therapists are), but I totally feel heard now, which is what I need.

Anyway, we devoted all of my December 9th session to discussing my dad, what it was like to grow up, how did I handle the suicide. The end result is that my way of coping with this (and many other things) is to remove myself. In a way I think I like to feel damaged, like people might care about me more. But people don't give a crap. It seems they care for the 5 minutes after you tell them "my dad killed himself", but people really don't know how to handle hearing something like that.

Don't get me wrong - one friend and one coworker sent me e-cards that day to tell me they were thinking of me. And another friend inquired about a week later to see how I was because she knew this was the season. Let's just say that there are particular people in my life whom I wish had remembered at least that it's December, that's when the shit hit the fan last year, and could at least say to me something like "hey, I just want to make sure you're okay, I know that this is about when it happened, I'm thinking of you and am here for you if you need me." It's a huge thing that happened to me. I don't expect people to remember the date or anything. I just have this irrational idea that I want people to know I'm damaged, and I don't want to have to advertise "hey, my dad killed himself a year ago, can I get some attention?" It's stupid, I know. I could go on and on but I'll leave it at that.

So anyway, I made the round of phone calls on December 11th. Called my sisters, called my mom, called my grandmom (who didn't answer and I left a message and haven't heard back from yet). Of my sisters, my mom and I, we seem to be handling it pretty well. I mean, a year later, it's somewhat easier to deal with it because there was no real connection when he was around. I think that's the only reason that makes it not so difficult. I guess he did us a favor there.

But on December 27th we're having our "annual" family gathering with my dad's side of the family. It's a conscious effort to not lose touch with them. I've probably seen them more in the last year than I have in the last 3 years. I'm grateful that they've expressed the desire to stay in touch (minus one uncle). But so we'll all get together, me, my sisters, my mom, the kids, my aunt, uncle, my 2 cousins, and my grandparents. We won't spend too much time dwelling on the past. We'll spend the time catching up. Just enjoying those few hours for what it's worth.

So I'm grateful that at least my family understands what it's like to deal with this. It's easier to pick up the phone and call one of them and say "hey, do you want to talk about dad?" then it is to ask a friend. I know that if I were to ask a friend to talk about it with me, they'd listen. But they wouldn't know what to say. So it is what it is.