A few weekends ago my husband and I were in North Carolina for his cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony, the food was delicious. But I wasn't expecting the following to happen:
Cue the father-daughter dance.
I freaking LOST IT. It might be normal to see tears of joy at weddings. But I'm sure you could see by the look on my face for the entire hour that I could not control the tears from falling that these tears were not of joy.
Back when I was planning my wedding 2 years ago, Dad was still around, but we weren't really speaking. We never had the kind of father/daughter relationship that I will venture to say that most young women have. Dad was, of course, invited to the wedding, but I grappled and grappled with the decision to let him walk me down the aisle. The father-daughter dance was a definite no - for one, I'm not a dancer and was anxious enough over dancing with my new husband. It just would've been extremely awkward. You know how some girls have father-daughter dances in grade school? I never had that. So it was weird to me.
In largely using a wedding planning message board to plan my wedding, I was witness to the number of girls who were fortunate enough to have amazing relationships with their dads, and I was envious.
And so, after my dad died, I had so many unresolved feelings because not only did I choose to not have him walk me down the aisle (I chose my mom, she's the one who raised me and deserved the honor), not only did I never even consider doing a father-daughter dance - but my dad didn't come to my wedding - AT ALL.
Then of course he goes and kills himself. I can't even begin to explain the inner turmoil I feel over it.
But I guess being witness to the amazing relationship that my cousin-in-law has with her father, and seeing the love that he has for her - it just really broke me down - causing me uncontrollable tears in a place where I couldn't escape - at a wedding, 4 states from home, no car to go to, a bathroom full of women, mosquitos at the ready on the hot summer night. I was forced to just sit there at the table to deal with it.
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2 comments:
Hello - I've just read all of your entries. Don't know if you really care to receive comments, but I'd just like to say keep on working through your pain and memories and eventually you will reach a peaceful place. My mother (who had "issues" but was actually a wonderful and loving mom)had two of the most selfish and disasterous parents I have ever heard of. She was able to overcome their lack of kindness and affection to become a happy, loving woman with wonderful friends and a loving family. She did not have the sort of home life or childhood that anyone would want yet created a warm, loving place for her three kids to grow up in. Keep up your personal therapy and best wishes for a happy, lovely life.
Wow, thank you so much. It really means so much that you left the comment. Truly, thank you
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