why?

Why do I need to be my own personal therapist? In short - my dad killed himself on Dec 11, 2007. Ohhhh the many things you think of when something like that happens. But, for starters, this is what happens when you find out your dad killed himself (written the night of the day I found out):

Well, first, there's the standard "WHAT?!" "HOW?!"The question "why" doesn't even cross your mind, because you already know and knew this day would come. But on a rational level you never expect it to really happen.

Then a wave of mixed emotions crashes over you. You're not quite sure how you're supposed to feel because it's been 2 years since you've seen him and you always felt like he couldn't be bothered by being a dad. It's officially been 1 year since the last time I even spoke with him. So after letting it sink in for a few minutes, you start shaking, teeth chattering, and then all of the thoughts start running through your mind. You feel nauseous. You find out he left a tape, ending "Dear Jesus, please forgive me for what I'm about to do" and all you can do is feel for him, and at the same time, wonder if he thought about me, if he might've said he loved me on that tape.

So after letting the awful images run through your head, crying at every thought you have - the random memories, the picture you keep of him in your mind, the way he talked, the way he moved his hands, the realization that he cut off every relationship he had with his family - you finally start to get sleepy, so you go off to bed, feeling nauseous. Once you're in bed you can't stop the swirling of thoughts going on in your mind. You're pleading with God to stop the images. And finally, you don't know when, but you fall asleep. Only to wake up a few hours later. You make a mental note to call your doctor, who knows your dad and asks about him everytime you go into the office, first thing in the morning to say these words "my father killed himself. Can the doctor give me something to help me sleep?" You're still nauseous, so you get up, go into the bathroom and nothing comes, and you yawn, and mid-yawn your face scrunches up and all of a sudden you're crying again. But the heaving never comes. And when you're not crying, you're nauseous.

My head hurts. I'm sad. For SO MANY reasons, it's difficult to articulate. But the feeling I feel now is sadness, and it weighs heavy. Because I cannot imagine the desperation he must've been feeling to do this. And to try to comprehend it, it just brings me to tears. I'm sorry that things were the way they were between us, but I still feel like there was no other way for them to be, being that we're all just human. So I try not to feel regret. The last 10 years in this regard have been difficult. And how fitting it is that the entire past week the sadness of not having a "dad" has been weighing on your heart heavily, bringing you to tears when you think about those who do. Because not only did I never have a "dad," but now I dont even have a dad. And so you cry. Because you're so sad, for so many things.